I had no beef with James Patterson, which I'm sure comes as a relief to him. I do, after all, carry quite the punch around the Quorum of Awesome offices, which is a totally real place and ridiculously swanky to boot. We have a fireman's pole for no reason other than just to have one. In the break room, we've got Skeeball.
Had no beef, until, that is, I learned the man once said "I just want to be the thrillingest thriller writer alive." And, with that sentence, he launched an utterly unprovoked first strike in the war against spelling and grammar. Which makes him an English/Creative Writing major's Public Enemy Number 1 and a glutton for punishment. Or at least a deserving punch line for half-thought out digs on a blog.
Unfortunately, I couldn't think of any. So, instead, I obtained through completely legal channels the titles, plot, and promotional materials to several of his upcoming novels.
And if you are thinking that this came about simply because I found this convenient list of idioms and decided that all of them sounded like James Patterson novels then you are just a big ball of Fucking Wrong. I am a merry Internet prankster. Like Ken Kesey, except without the legions of followers and rampant misogyny.
Plus, are you really sticking up for James Patterson? Did Along Came A Spider really mean that much to you? What say you, imaginary-naysayer-that-I-am-being-inappropriately-aggressive-towards, huh?
That's what I thought.
Oct. 17th will see the release of Mind Your Ps and Qs, a thriller about a young hotshot criminal profiler named John Pummerson who will face the toughest case of his career when his former partner Carl Quinton falls into a coma three days before he is supposed to testify against a notorious drug king pin. Pummerson and Quinton were the best there ever was, earning the moniker "P and Q" from "the guys" on "the force." But with Q out for the count, P will think the case is unsolvable until he realizes there is one place he hasn't looked for evidence: Q's brain. With the help of a beautiful and sassy psychic prison guard, Pummerson will take a journey into the one place secrets can't hide: your mind. Buzz has it that Brett Ratner is already attached to direct the film adaptation.
On Oct. 20th, Patterson's latest will hit the shelves. Baker's Dozen focuses on Jamie Pherson, a young hotshot insurance claims investigator, who teams up with a sassy, but beautiful supermodel-turned-psychologist to find out which of the 12 recently-released repeat offenders set free by corrupt judge Tom Baker is responsible for the recent spate of "accidental" house fires. The trail will take Pherson into the depths of the city and culminates in a magnificent monologue on the steps of the capital building. Tom Jane has already signed on to play Pherson and Jimmy Stewart's reanimated corpse is in talks to play the eponymous Baker.
Patterson is very excited about his "silver trilogy" that will be released on Oct. 22. The three-set of books tentatively entitled Silver Bullet, Silver Lining, and Silver Spoon will tell the story of Jimmy Paulson and his epic journey to catch notorious killer Wentworth Silver -- a man so rich that he kills his victims by pelting them with Sacagawea dollars and then pays off witnesses and cops. Paulson, a young hotshot detective, will be forced to team up with a snarky ACORN activist, Scarlett Wilksbury. In Silver Lining Paulson will realize how gorgeously beautiful Wilksbury is and the two will fall in love. She'll be pregnant in Silver Spoon and therefore probably relegated to a much smaller role. Patterson is calling it "his most personal work to date."
Finally, just in time for Halloween, Brass Tacks will be available to fans worldwide. Brass Tacks tells the story of young, hotshot President Joseph Pattersen, the best leader and man in the history of the entire United States and the world. President Pattersen will face many an issue pertinent to today's political climate: health care, the economy, and Twitter. He will solve all of them in the first 20 pages. But not everyone loves President Joseph Pattersen: suspected domestic terrorist Xander Tacks has launched a deviant assassination plot against the top brass of the country. The Secret Service, for some reason, remains powerless against Tacks' attacks, so it falls to The Most Powerful Man In the World and his sassy, beautiful First Lady to bring Tacks to justice. Co-written by Stephanie Meyer, edited by Dan Brown.
There you have it. James Patterson's creative work, laid out bare for all to see.
(ifyoureadthispleasedontsuememrpatterson.)
Till next time!
0 comments:
Post a Comment