Captain Awesome's Top 13 Reasons Why The Youth Of America Should Watch John Carpenter's Vampires And Not The Vampire's Assistant

On October 30th, 1998, a little film that could (but didn't feel like it) hit theaters with a resounding "meh." That film: John Carpenter's Vampires. And while the rest of the theater-going public wisely surmised it was little more than a cash-in on the current vampire fad that was sweeping the nation, one 12 year-old boy in the audience thought it was the greatest fucking movie ever made and that launched him on a quest to defend its merits well into his adult years. That little boy's name was Captain Awesome and you will address him as such.

Eleven years later, in the midst of yet another vampire craze, a little movie that won't (because I say it won't) will hit theaters. That movie: The Vampire's Assistant. Being billed as Twilight (the little movie that doesn't put out) for boys, The Vampire's Assistant is (hopefully) planning to ditch the glitter and breathless melodramatic overacting for... John C. Reilly as Phil Spector, I guess.

Apparently, Salma Hayek is in this movie as well, which is stupid because she's already been in a vampire movie. If you don't know which one, then you were never a teenage boy.

Anyway, kids today are stupid. And it is up to us (re: me and Captain Awesome) to make sure that instead of seeing this overproduced schlock, they buckle down and watch John Carpenter's Vampires. Why? Well the reasons are 13-fold and follow below. Teachers and parents should feel free to use the subsequent list as a handy teaching aide and make it an essential element in their daily lesson plans.

13. James Fucking Woods. Which would you rather see, young ones: John C. Reilly slumming it in a gaudy costume that looks like something several dozen Muppets had to die to make or James Woods in a leather jacket, brandishing a crossbow and deliciously devouring every last bit of scenery that is available on the set? There's a correct answer here.

12. Strippers. You're 12. You've never seen a breast. This is your opportunity to be, like, at least six months ahead of your friends.

11. Viscera. At one point in Vampires, the big, bad vamp shows up and proceeds to slaughter his way through the entire vampire-killing team, in a glorious rampage of blood and guts. It's awesome and features a guy being split in half and gushing blood. If you don't believe me, go here and fast forward to 8:40. Totally NSFW, in case you didn't figure that out already.

10. This exchange between Jack Crow (James "Chew Chew Om Nom That Is Good Acting" Woods) and some dude playing a priest.

Jack Crow: You ever seen a vampire?

Father Adam: No I haven't.

Jack Crow: No... Well first of all, they're not romatic. ... Garlic? You wanna try garlic? You could stand there with garlic around your neck and one of these buggers will bend you fucking over and take a walk up your strada-chocolata WHILE he's suckin' the blood outta your neck, all right? And they don't sleep in coffins lined in taffata. You wanna kill one, you drive a wooden stake right through his fuckin' heart.

9. The Soundtrack. If you don't know already, John Carpenter is legendary for composing the music to his movies. Ever hear the score to Halloween? You can thank him. Carpenter formed a band for this movie called The Texas Toad Lickers and the group crafted some of the most awesome quasi-western, mariachi-tinged rock that serves as a perfect complement to the film's sun-soaked desert backdrop. Listen to "Cruel Highway" and try your damnedest not to picture an orange sun easing itself at dusk into the scorched earth. Sadly, the soundtrack is hard to find now, but all the songs are available for streaming on YouTube. Listen to "Cruel Highway" here and "Stake and Burn" here.

8. Strippers. I can't believe you are still reading this list, kid. You could totally be looking at boobs right now.

7. Sheryl Lee. Kristin Stewart can go walk up someone's strada-chocolata. Sheryl Lee is damn sultry.

6. Daniel Baldwin. I bet you didn't know there was a Daniel Baldwin. Well, there is and he's in this movie. If you had the opportunity to see a mythological creature, even a lame one, you would do it, wouldn't you? Same principle.

5. At no point in this movie does anyone sparkle. Pretty self-explanatory.

4. The Catholic Church is loaded with backstabbers. No one attacks the church anymore, and I really don't see why. This movie goes the extra five yards and casts a Cardinal as the ultimate Judas and leaves the heroes completely stranded.

3. At one point in this movie Sheryl Lee bites a huge CHUNK out of Daniel Baldwin's neck. In what is simultaneously the goriest and most amazing vampire bite scene ever, Lee freaks out and doesn't just bite Baldwin, but full-on rips a healthy Oreo-sized chunk out of his throat, spits it out, and proceeds to gulp down blood. And then, at the end of the flick, they ride romantically off into the sunset... which is weird, but whatever.

2. Strippers. You made it this far? Seriously? What're you, a eunuch?

1. James Woods. He's the world's greatest actor. Ever.

So there you have it. 13 reasons. Enjoy the film. Treasure it.

Till next time.